He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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