it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
