I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
