I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
