Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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