am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
