Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
