It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
