i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
