He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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