Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
