apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My life is pants optional.
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