Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize