we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
