Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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