Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
