ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
