You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
