I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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