Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
