i permit you to call me
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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