The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
