as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
