i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
