hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
