If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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