Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
