i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
