Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
