If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
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