I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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