My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
