Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
