who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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