farters have to be the big spoon...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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