When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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