I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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