So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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