get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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