you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
