i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
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I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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