Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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