I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
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literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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