I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
