Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
