So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
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