I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
