i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
