Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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