I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
