god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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