my phone needs a breathalizer
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
