One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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