I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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