How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
jump out the window naked night went bad
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