My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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