Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
